I'm scared, terrified.

But we do it anyway and don't give up

Recently, I’ve been freezing a little whenever I’m asked the one question you’re usually asked when meeting someone new or catching with someone you haven’t spoken to in a while,

“So, what do you do?”

And I find myself at a loss of words.

I don’t know what to say.

This past year has been…different?

I’ve been experimenting a lot.

I’ve been trying different things.

I’ve been testing what works and what isn’t for me.

And it’s been interesting, I’ve got to say - but it doesn’t help when it comes to answering that question.

A few times I’d go,

“Well, I’m trying new things - trying to find myself and what sticks. I’ve been doing x, y, and z.

And while I think that’s a little vague - I haven’t really been able to give people a straight answer with a job title and a company name - it actually feels a little liberating.

I don’t feel confined by a single label. I’m exploring. I’m finding myself.

And in that exploration lies all sorts of feelings and emotions.

It’s a struggle at times.

But you get those tiny snippets of exhilaration when you feel like it all means something. And I think those moments make all the other moments of doubt, fear and painful anxiety worth it.

Because it tells you—or me, technically—that you’re doing something worthwhile and that it’ll payoff, at some point.

You just have to keep believing.

In yourself.

In what you’re creating.

In anything.

I’ve had, and I continue to have, plenty of moments when I doubt everything.

I wonder if it all makes sense, if it made sense leaving everything behind a year ago and venturing into uncertainty.

I wonder if I should quit. Back out and just let go.

“I wish I would just suck it up and find joy in a 9-5 and just live a good life without that added pressure.”

I tell that to myself under my breath sometimes or late at night when I’m unable to sleep due to worry.

But after that moment passes, I saddle up and I get back to whatever it was I’m doing or was supposed to do.

Because I remember.

I remember that I wasn’t happy doing what I did.

It was comfortable-ish. But it wasn’t what I was meant to do.

It never felt right. It would for a while.

But then I’d fall right back into the wormhole of “I’m meant for something different. This isn’t going to make me happy.”

Am I happy right now?

Honestly, I couldn’t tell you.

But I’m optimistic.

I’m heading somewhere.

It’s taking more time than I hoped it would.

And I’m as inpatient as they come.

But that’s part of my growth.

Holding on and pushing through.

And I tell myself that this will all make one hell of a story one day.

“You just got to hold on. Don’t you dare quit on me now.”

Mentally, I’ve burned all my bridges.

It’s this. Or it’s this.

And this can be anything from that I’m exploring and trying out right now.

I’m quite open to it being different than my current ventures.

I do know what this isn’t though—and that’s my red line.

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I was speaking on a panel today and I was asked that same question which I kind of squirmed through. It was an awkward answer, but I didn’t mind it.

I then got asked the follow-up question that brought this on.

Isn’t it scary to leave everything behind? To leave what you know and start from the bottom? How do you do it?

And I gave what would be construed as a more motivational answer. I talked about how it’s necessary and how I don’t want to wake up 30 years from now with regret, wishing I had wasted my 20s instead of wasting the following 3 decades to avoid sunk cost. Which is true.

But rethinking my answer when I reflected with a friend afterwards, I would’ve been even more honest.

I would’ve said that it’s scary as hell.

I’m as scared as they come.

It freaks me out.

I’m full of doubts and fears.

I wonder if I made the right decision.

And I question myself every day.

But I also choose to keep going every day.

Because I still believe in everything I wrote above.

And to me that’s okay.

It’s okay to be afraid and to be scared.

As long as you push through it and keep going.

Rationalizing that fear and putting it out for the whole world to see, I think that humanizes the process a little—the process of becoming.

Because it never is glamorous.

Sometimes the world paints it as it is or we only ever see the end product, after a person has reached their destination.

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Moral of the story -

I’m scared.

I think that’s okay.

I keep going regardless.

I’ll keep going no matter what.

And I think you should too.

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Insights

Nelson Mandela on fear:

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."

Emma Donoghue on doing it anyway:

"Scared is what you're feeling. Brave is what you're doing."

Not sure who said this, but it holds true:

"Everything you want is on the other side of fear."

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Reflection of the week

Have you ever felt the same way I do right now going after something you believe is right?

If you did, or if you do right now -

How well do you think you’re handling it and what’s keeping you going?

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A good read

For this week, I recommend reading Greenlights.

There isn’t too much to say about it - it’s Matthew McConaughey’s memoir so you like him in movies, you’ll most probably going to enjoy this read.

And yeah, yet another memoir…who would’ve guessed it!

Great, aren’t they?

What should you read next?

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The on:becoming podcast

Serial Entrepreneur: Don’t Sit on Your Money | Ahmed Sultan

You can listen to it above or watch it on YouTube:

If you do check it out on YouTube, I’d love it if you could subscribe and support me there. Thank you ♥️

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How can I help?

I also happen to coach people. I learned from one of the world’s best, Robert Ellis.

Would you like to have a coaching conversation? Sometimes all it takes is a 30-minute deep conversation to point you in the right direction. Or give you a little nudge. Maybe you just need someone to hear you out. I’m here for you.